You Might be a Runner if:
Everybody knows Jeff Foxworthy and his redneck jokes. Well, there might be a few rednecks out there who can relate to him, but my guess is that readers of this fine magazine know about runners. So, you might be a runner if:

* Someone yells, "Run, Forrest, run!" and you consider it a compliment.
* You take off your running shoes, and your dog throws up.
* You think the Tour de France is for sissies because they get to sit down.
* Boston is a marathon, not a city.
* In a marathon, you have had fear of communal Vaseline.
* You know the anatomy of a knee joint better than a third year med school student.
* You complain during an early morning long run that you were out partying until 10 p.m.
* You think the four major food groups are GU, PowerBars, Gatorade, and pasta.
* You would rather qualify for Boston than win the lottery.
* You consider black toenails a badge of honor.
* You have ever used a glide stick for butt chafe.
* Goodwill declines your old running shoes.
* You can name every flavor of HammerGel.
* You ever used old running shoes to keep rats out of the attic.
* The cumulative size of all your blisters is larger than some states.
* You know how to spell plantar fasciitis.
* You ever got into an argument over the best tasting Gatorade flavor.
* Your speed dial's top three listings are your masseuse, podiatrist, and running store.
* You look forward to turning 40 or 45 or 50.
* After a marathon, you first discover how bad your nipple chafe is when you step into the shower.
* You built a room addition just to store your race t-shirts.
* You worship "Pre."
* You despise Rosie Ruiz.
* You ever wore a marathon finisher's medal to work.
* You think the smell of your socks is an aphrodisiac.
* You ever sped up at the end of a race because you did not want that fat person running next to you in your race photo.
* You will run 26 miles at the drop of a hat but insist on a parking spot up front because you do not need the exercise.
* You will change clothes beside your car, but are embarrassed when your friends mention your running achievements.
* You know the proper public defecation protocol.
* At a 5K, you see someone wearing the race tee with their number pinned on the back and think, "rookie."
* You consider Kenya as holy ground.
* You base your mileage for your Saturday morning run on the number of beers consumed on Friday night.
* You know the exact number of marathons you have run but cannot remember how long you have been married.

And you might be an ultra-runner if:
* A race has a 50K and 50 miler--and you refer to the 50K as the kiddie's race.
* You have ever seen two sunrises during the same race.
* You consider your headlamp a fashion accessory.
* You believe anything less than ten miles is just a warm-up run.

And finally, you might be a runner if you anxiously wait for the mailman at the beginning of each month to deliver your copy of Colorado Runner.

You Might be a Non-Runner if:
I know Jeff Foxworthy. Jeff Foxworthy is a friend of mine. And you, sir...

Sorry, I had a flashback to an old presidential debate. Sometimes late at night, I bolt upright in bed having dreamt that I just had a photo-op in an Abrams tank wearing a vastly oversized helmet. I'm pretty sure I have Post Traumatic Mock U.N. Syndrome.

What I meant to say is that his signature format has been parodied so many times, what's one more going to hurt? So with that in mind... Sorry, Jeff.

You Might be a Non-Runner if:
* On any given day, your best chance to break a sweat is while eating a jalapeno burger.
* You think smelly running shoes are just that: smelly
* GU is what you have to wipe out of your dog's eyes.
* The term "nipple chafe" makes you laugh every darn time.
* You've had the same pair of athletic shoes since Madonna was considered "hot."
* You can't name a single Kenyan, except that guy who played for the Nuggets.
* Your idea of a personal record was scarfing down 64 hot wings.
* You're pretty sure Jim Fixx had a home improvement show in the 70s.
* You've ever sent your dogs to the park in a taxi.
* The only times you've ever seen five a.m. were when you were either going fishing or you woke up on your lawn.
* To you, the term "Power Bar" is where you bought your boss that Apple Martini. And just for the record, it didn't help you get promoted.
* You thought a pedometer measures how many times your kids go to the doctor.
* You pay for t-shirts.
* You think couch potato doesn't describe you as much as it does the random fries you find under the cushions.
* The only laps you've done recently required a twenty dollar tip.
* You've gotten winded using the office copier.
* You once shared a cab with Rosie Ruiz.
* The only way you'd drink Gatorade is if they added XTreme hops and barley.
* The closest you ever came to carbo-loading was finishing your date's bread pudding.
* You never read this column. I mean, hey, it is in a RUNNING magazine.

And finally, you might be a non-runner if the only thing 26 miles makes you think about is three dollar a gallon gas.